Feelings

The post in which I disappoint many readers by talking more about myself than Evan. Get over it. I think feelings are generally more interesting to read about than baby updates, although I do have to say that other people's baby updates are a little more interesting to me now that I have a baby and understand the parent perspective. It's just funny how an event can seem so important and interesting when Evan does it but it's meaningless to me when Joe Schmoe's baby does it. I realize, then, that my posts are mostly only for myself, and I accept that.

I'm also figuring out how hard it is to express my thoughts when I love someone more than anyone has ever loved anyone else and when my life is more blessed than it's ever been at any time before.

The best visualization of my excitement for seeing my cute Evan after a nap (after I get over my initial, "Why are you waking up?!") is soda bottle rocket, pre-launch. I grab his chubby arms and face him towards me, his eyes adjusting to the light and his eyebrows looking half-confused/half-angry. I say, "I love you Evan, SO much! Give mommy big hugs!" and then I bring him to my chest. In shock from the sudden arousal, Evan clings his arms to my neck giving me the big hug I asked for. Evan is the best sleeper and it's easy to feel good after 9 hours of sleep--for me, that is. Evan just enjoyed nearly 12 hours. And that's after his 3 naps during the day. Hate me.

I know why moms get frumpy and I think I'd be semi-proud if I did become frumpy. Evan deserves to be my first priority...and my second, third, and fourth priorities. I don't mind putting Evan's breakfast before my own every day. I don't mind bathing him every day and showering myself only every 3 days. I like the eternal spit-up stain on my left shoulder and I proudly wear it to work each day.

I am super fortunate to have as much "me" time as I do with how much Evan still sleeps. I can rejuvenate my energy levels and then better appreciate him when he wakes up again. I just can't get sick of this boy--except sometimes I do. For two nights last week I stayed up with Evan while he wouldn't fall asleep. He'd fall asleep drinking his bottle but wake up once I put him in the crib. He cried the kind of cry where I knew he wasn't going to cry himself to sleep. He was just going to cry. After I frustratedly pulled him out of bed he was wheezing and I felt badly for even trying to let him cry it out. It's not recommended to let preemies cry it out because of their underdeveloped lungs, and Evan is probably the prime example of that with his oxygen issues and all. So if he wasn't going to sleep, what did I do? Stay awake with him! I mustered the strength with the thought of the moms who do this every night. And I played with Evan hard enough to wear him out by midnight. And then he slept 9 hours. I really can't complain. My son is an angel. My milliseconds of frustration are so easily vanquished by all the cute baby things Evan does.

The other morning I woke up around 6:30 to feed Evan. My plan was to let him drink a quick bottle and then put him right back in bed. But instead, after feeding him I just felt like holding him, so I did. He fell asleep against my chest and I fell asleep too. Evan can be really peaceful when he's not so antsy. I appreciate those times.

I read back through my entire blog. I got emotional reading about missing my husband or finding out I'd be on hospital bedrest for 9 weeks. Those tender feelings made the miracles I experienced in SF all the more miraculous. That hospital room is a sacred place in my mind. Evan is a miracle baby. I got anxiety reading about the decision to do fetal surgery. I vividly remember being first told about it and thinking, "No." Now I'm in touch with so many moms who have done it. Our lives are forever changed by it. The first successful fetal surgery for a spinal chord defect was just 14 years ago. Only 14 years! I am thankful for the first mom(s) and doctors who pioneered this surgery. We live in an amazing time! With how much medical knowledge is out there, it's weird to think that so much is still unknown about Spina Bifida. I don't think Spina Bifida will be my whole life, but I do want to advocate for it. It's a pretty amazing network we've been thrown into.
http://articles.philly.com/2013-03-12/news/37626460_1_fetal-surgery-scott-adzick-spina-bifida

That's about all my thoughts for the present. Life is so good to us. I feel selfish having had so much attention as of late and I'm ready to give it to others having their turn. We're growing into our new normal and moving on the best we can.