This was my 4th time being sliced open in about 6 1/2 years, but it was a different experience every time.
With fetal surgery, I threw up when they gave me the epidural (no, that's not normal) and I had a seizure-like reaction to the anesthesia during surgery. Recovery wasn't too painful since it involved 9 weeks of bed rest and I wasn't expected (allowed) to sit up or do anything.
For Evan's delivery I had low expectations. I figured (correctly) that he would go straight to the NICU and I didn't see him until later that night. I never even heard him cry when he was born. It was a challenge to be recovering from major abdominal surgery after not being active for 9 weeks--kind of a double whammy on my body--but I had to recover fast because after 4 days I was released from the hospital and the next day, and for 3 weeks after, I had to walk a mile to the hospital every day to get to my baby.
With Seth I was unprepared. When I went in for the scheduled c-section I put on the hospital gown and had the IV placed. That was the PTSD trigger for me. I had a little panic attack remembering the stress and anxiety of having a baby. I composed myself before going into the operating room and was fine when they placed the spinal block, but began feeling nauseous quickly after. I don't remember if I actually threw up or just got close, but until they gave me some counter medicine I felt really sick. After Seth was born, (I actually heard him cry, yay!) they brought him over and put him on me. I was shaking so badly I couldn't hold him and felt like he was going to fall off, so I asked them to take him away. He never stopped crying. I knew which room was mine as they wheeled me down the hall because I could still hear him crying. Seth was an ornery baby. He was hard. On top of that I remember having a lot of pain everywhere on my body. I felt like a mess recovering from that surgery and Seth was a mess of a newborn.
This third c-section began quite nicely. I was more mentally prepared for what was coming so I was able to stay calm even when I had the IV placed. I was still calm when I went in to the OR to have the spinal block, but then the excitement began. I only remembered feeling one poke during the spinal block with my first 2 c-sections. This time I felt several. One time there was a shock down my right leg. Another time my left leg jolted so hard I nearly kicked the nurse in front of me. Then finally there was a poke that numbed my legs and I was laid down on the bed. There was a quick bout of nausea followed by the anti-nausea stuff, and then I was finally feeling relaxed and ready. After a few minutes they did the pinch test to make sure I couldn't feel anything.
Do you feel that?
No.
Do you feel that?
No.
Do you feel that?
Yes.
...Really?
Yeah...
It's normal to feel tugging and pulling--I know that. I've done this twice. But when they did the pinch near my ribs on the left side I felt something like a needle poking me. It definitely felt sharp. They repeated the testing over and over to make sure, and over and over I told them I couldn't feel anything on the right but I felt a sharp poke on the left. We waited a few minutes and tried again. Same thing. They tilted my bed to the left, like that would make the anesthesia slide into my left side, but nothing changed. Finally it came time where something needed to be done. I was crying at this point because I thought my only option was being put under and I really didn't want that. I told them that I could feel the poke but if that was as painful as it was going to be then I could handle it. The problem was that they didn't know if that was as painful as it would be. We chose to start the procedure without Isaiah in the room yet, and if I was screaming in pain then they could stop and do general anesthesia. If I could tolerate it then they would bring him in. They started cutting and I felt more pain than normal, but I was managing so Isaiah got to come in.
He can probably tell the birth story better from here because after that everything became CRAZY.
A typical cycle went like this:
There was a lot of pain.
I tried to deep breathe and stay calm but I know I was groaning.
Medicine was given.
Everything was spinning and I kept thinking, "This feels crazy!"
The pain subsided and everything went still.
I finally got enough control of my body to open my eyes and maybe say something.
Then the cycle would repeat.
I kept thinking I needed to stay conscious so they wouldn't put me under. I also wanted to be conscious so I could see my baby when he was born. It was really hard to keep my eyes open, though, and I didn't feel like I could move even my arms.
At some point I heard my baby's first cry. People were telling me things about him but I'm not sure if I was responding or only thinking it. I heard "6 lbs. 4 oz". I heard "lots of hair". Isaiah went and took some pictures. The doctors wanted to put baby on me, but Isaiah knew how unpleasant that was for me with Seth so he told them no. In one of my awake moments they asked if I wanted to see him and I was able to respond that I did. I was aware enough to smile for a few pictures next to the baby. After that I remember them asking something, "...if mother is okay with that." But I didn't know what they were asking and I don't think I could talk to ask what was going on. Isaiah and baby left and I must have fallen asleep or gone back into the cycle.
I woke up and could only see white room and lights above me. I didn't see anyone but I heard some talking from the doctors on the other side of the drape. It was unclear in my mind how much time had passed and if I was waking up from general anesthesia or if I had only been out a few minutes. I couldn't decide if I had just had a baby or had only dreamed it. It felt really weird. Finally my doctor came over to me and I was crying because I was upset I hadn't been more present for the birth. She asked if I remembered anything but I wasn't sure if I was remembering things that actually happened or not. They asked if I wanted some calming medication. NO! I was finally feeling in control of my body and did not want anything else messing with me.
Eventually I got back to my room with Isaiah and the sweetest, most peacefully-sleeping baby. I got to hold him and nurse him and, besides the little low blood sugar glitch, we have had the best recovery yet. Either that or my expectations were really low and I've been surprised by how good I feel every day. When Evan and Seth came to visit the baby that night they were the first ones to find out that his name was Cameron Isaiah Hudson. Cameron has been a dream baby. I feel it's deserved.
