Cameron's Birth Story

Perhaps one month removed from the situation is a good time to write a birth story--after having some time away from the trauma...

This was my 4th time being sliced open in about 6 1/2 years, but it was a different experience every time.

With fetal surgery, I threw up when they gave me the epidural (no, that's not normal) and I had a seizure-like reaction to the anesthesia during surgery. Recovery wasn't too painful since it involved 9 weeks of bed rest and I wasn't expected (allowed) to sit up or do anything.

For Evan's delivery I had low expectations. I figured (correctly) that he would go straight to the NICU and I didn't see him until later that night. I never even heard him cry when he was born. It was a challenge to be recovering from major abdominal surgery after not being active for 9 weeks--kind of a double whammy on my body--but I had to recover fast because after 4 days I was released from the hospital and the next day, and for 3 weeks after, I had to walk a mile to the hospital every day to get to my baby.

With Seth I was unprepared. When I went in for the scheduled c-section I put on the hospital gown and had the IV placed. That was the PTSD trigger for me. I had a little panic attack remembering the stress and anxiety of having a baby. I composed myself before going into the operating room and was fine when they placed the spinal block, but began feeling nauseous quickly after. I don't remember if I actually threw up or just got close, but until they gave me some counter medicine I felt really sick. After Seth was born, (I actually heard him cry, yay!) they brought him over and put him on me. I was shaking so badly I couldn't hold him and felt like he was going to fall off, so I asked them to take him away. He never stopped crying. I knew which room was mine as they wheeled me down the hall because I could still hear him crying. Seth was an ornery baby. He was hard. On top of that I remember having a lot of pain everywhere on my body. I felt like a mess recovering from that surgery and Seth was a mess of a newborn.

This third c-section began quite nicely. I was more mentally prepared for what was coming so I was able to stay calm even when I had the IV placed. I was still calm when I went in to the OR to have the spinal block, but then the excitement began. I only remembered feeling one poke during the spinal block with my first 2 c-sections. This time I felt several. One time there was a shock down my right leg. Another time my left leg jolted so hard I nearly kicked the nurse in front of me. Then finally there was a poke that numbed my legs and I was laid down on the bed. There was a quick bout of nausea followed by the anti-nausea stuff, and then I was finally feeling relaxed and ready. After a few minutes they did the pinch test to make sure I couldn't feel anything.

Do you feel that?
No.
Do you feel that?
No.
Do you feel that?
Yes.
...Really?
Yeah...

It's normal to feel tugging and pulling--I know that. I've done this twice. But when they did the pinch near my ribs on the left side I felt something like a needle poking me. It definitely felt sharp. They repeated the testing over and over to make sure, and over and over I told them I couldn't feel anything on the right but I felt a sharp poke on the left. We waited a few minutes and tried again. Same thing. They tilted my bed to the left, like that would make the anesthesia slide into my left side, but nothing changed. Finally it came time where something needed to be done. I was crying at this point because I thought my only option was being put under and I really didn't want that. I told them that I could feel the poke but if that was as painful as it was going to be then I could handle it. The problem was that they didn't know if that was as painful as it would be. We chose to start the procedure without Isaiah in the room yet, and if I was screaming in pain then they could stop and do general anesthesia. If I could tolerate it then they would bring him in. They started cutting and I felt more pain than normal, but I was managing so Isaiah got to come in.

He can probably tell the birth story better from here because after that everything became CRAZY.

A typical cycle went like this:
There was a lot of pain.
I tried to deep breathe and stay calm but I know I was groaning.
Medicine was given.
Everything was spinning and I kept thinking, "This feels crazy!"
The pain subsided and everything went still.
I finally got enough control of my body to open my eyes and maybe say something.
Then the cycle would repeat.

I kept thinking I needed to stay conscious so they wouldn't put me under. I also wanted to be conscious so I could see my baby when he was born. It was really hard to keep my eyes open, though, and I didn't feel like I could move even my arms.

At some point I heard my baby's first cry. People were telling me things about him but I'm not sure if I was responding or only thinking it. I heard "6 lbs. 4 oz". I heard "lots of hair". Isaiah went and took some pictures. The doctors wanted to put baby on me, but Isaiah knew how unpleasant that was for me with Seth so he told them no. In one of my awake moments they asked if I wanted to see him and I was able to respond that I did. I was aware enough to smile for a few pictures next to the baby. After that I remember them asking something, "...if mother is okay with that." But I didn't know what they were asking and I don't think I could talk to ask what was going on. Isaiah and baby left and I must have fallen asleep or gone back into the cycle.

I woke up and could only see white room and lights above me. I didn't see anyone but I heard some talking from the doctors on the other side of the drape. It was unclear in my mind how much time had passed and if I was waking up from general anesthesia or if I had only been out a few minutes. I couldn't decide if I had just had a baby or had only dreamed it. It felt really weird. Finally my doctor came over to me and I was crying because I was upset I hadn't been more present for the birth. She asked if I remembered anything but I wasn't sure if I was remembering things that actually happened or not. They asked if I wanted some calming medication. NO! I was finally feeling in control of my body and did not want anything else messing with me.

Eventually I got back to my room with Isaiah and the sweetest, most peacefully-sleeping baby. I got to hold him and nurse him and, besides the little low blood sugar glitch, we have had the best recovery yet. Either that or my expectations were really low and I've been surprised by how good I feel every day. When Evan and Seth came to visit the baby that night they were the first ones to find out that his name was Cameron Isaiah Hudson. Cameron has been a dream baby. I feel it's deserved.

Cameron Isaiah Hudson

Third boy is the charm!

Cameron Isaiah Hudson
November 27, 2018, 5:13 pm
6 lbs. 4 oz.
19 inches long

"Hudson, party of 5"

5 Surgeries by Age 5

On Friday Evan had his 5th surgery. This was one pretty chill--removing the plate and screws that were put in for his osteotomy in March. Afterwards we had this conversation:

Me: Now you don't need to have any more surgeries!
Evan: Do I need any surgeries that aren't on my legs?
Me: No, you shouldn't need any kind of surgery.
Evan: Good, cause if I had surgery that wasn't on my legs then I would be scared. But if I had surgery on my legs I wouldn't be scared because I've already done that.

This kid is TOUGH.

We had to wait about 2 1/2 hours because the doctors were coordinating Evan getting an MRI and the hardware removal under one anesthesia. They had to wait for the surgeon and the MRI machine to be ready at the same time. It was worth it to me, though, to save us time and save Evan the anesthesia exposure. They had lots of cars for Seth to ride around the halls in, and we watched lots of Blippi on dada's phone.

Evan chose his dad to go back with him this time while they put him out. The two procedures took a little over 2 hours and then we were invited back to the recovery room to see Evan. He woke up grumpy, crying, and uncomfortable, but after doses of fentanyl, morphine, and oxycodone along with some orange Jell-o and apple juice, he felt much better. On the way home he was starving (he had fasted all day which was quite a feat when surgery didn't start until 2:30), so he had some snacks in the car and we stopped at Taco Bell for dinner. He sang songs on the way and was basically back to his full energy after a big dinner. It was such a different experience from last time. 

I was bummed that we were (once again) sent home without a wheelchair for him to use. I figured he wouldn't be able to go to school Monday because he didn't have a chair. Well Sunday afternoon he just up and walked around the house. No assistance. No big deal. He walked fine at school Monday and I cancelled his wheelchair order. He blows my mind sometimes.

He will be in walking boots for two weeks and has been told not to run. No jumping for a month. Nobody told him not to do drop kicks with a soccer ball so that was his activity of choice at recess on Monday (*eye roll from mom). The doctor said it was good we got him in now because his bones had already grown around the plates and they had to chip it away. You'd think that would cause some pain, but Evan keeps insisting it doesn't hurt. He's going to be super ready for the Walk-n-Roll in two weeks!

Booty Day and Baby #3

Yesterday--August 7th--we celebrated Evan's "Butt Day" (Booty day in our family since we're REALLY trying to eliminate butt & poop from our vocabulary. BTW, any tips on how to do that with a 2-year old who thinks those words are hilarious?)

Booty day is the anniversary of our fetal surgery, when the doctors got a sneak peak of Evan's back and booty before he was born. Not exactly a lovely day in my book, but it's a celebration of how awesome Evan is doing 6 years later. Today is my niece's 6th birthday. Her due date was a few days earlier but we always say she waited with Evan in heaven until after his surgery, and then she was ready to come to earth. We had frozen yogurt to celebrate.

Evan has started losing teeth the normal way. The first one he lost was during Primary at church. He didn't tell anyone it came out. He just held onto it and showed me after church was over. The second one was lost when we went to the movies one day. ($1 summer movies, yay!) Again, he didn't tell me until a few hours after we were home. He is in complete denial that he ate the tooth, but it would have been an easy mistake to make with all the popcorn chewing going on. I suggested he write a note to let the tooth fairy know what happened. He's convinced she found the tooth at the theater and that's why she left some money. Now we just need to work on growing teeth back.

"Tooth Fairy,
I lost a tooth"

"at the theater.
Thank you.
Evan"

This summer has been an adventure with the two brothers. Evan and Seth love each other one second and are screaming at each other the next. They share things and then they take things away. They hop into bed with each other and then one kicks the other out. They have been playing so hard all summer. Less TV, more trouble making. When Evan starts to whisper things to Seth I know trouble's a-brewin'. I can only imagine what it will be like when Boy #3 comes in November. Yes, baby #3 is a boy! We're super excited!

Blue for a boy!

Since Evan has been home all day, Seth has stopped going to his room for naps. Instead he falls asleep in every other place imaginable. They play hard and crash hard.

Funderland

Sacramento has a little kid amusement park that we've been wanting to take our kids to for a long time. We finally made it there and we had a great time! There are about 10 rides, so the park is pretty small. It was nice to not have to walk far to each ride. There were almost no lines. Sometimes Seth was the only one on the little fishy ride so he would stay on and ride it over and over again. Evan was surprisingly brave and Dada quickly taught him to hold up his arms on all the rides. Seth caught on quickly and tried to do the same. Evan's favorite ride was the Dragon Coaster. Both boys loved the carousel. Dada had the privilege of going on all the rides since there's a no pregnant lady rule. He discovered that his stomach doesn't handle all the spinning rides like it used to.

I loved Evan's face on the Squirrelly Whirl swings

Look Ma, no hands!

4 Months Post-Op

This video was from Mother's Day (2 months post-op). Evan was walking to the window to watch the doves that were building a nest on our fence, just outside our window. 

Evan's walking progression was slow and steady with no monumental "He's finally walking!" moment, so I never knew what to post about it. But I think it's now safe to say we've arrived! He's walking, running, dancing, playing basketball--I'd say he's just about back to how he was, but he's not at all. He's so much better than he was because now his feet are straight! He's doing the things he did before, but he's looking so much better doing it. (Still a bit rocky, sure, but he's getting better every day.) 

We went camping last week and I was in awe as Evan hiked, with only minimal help, up and down a super rocky hill. I've said it once, and I'll say it again: This kid is a rock star. His wheelchair is officially returned, his walking boots were replaced by new Batman braces (no twister cables!!), and--most importantly--he feels comfortable and confident with himself. We're 4 months post surgery and I couldn't be more pleased with how he's doing.

Motherhood

May is bike month.

Riding a bike is fun. It requires some skill, but with practice and time you can get good at it.

May is also Mother's Day.

Being a mom is also fun. It requires some skill, but due to the unpredictability and volatility of half the parties involved (namely--kids) you can practice and take time and still not feel like you're good at it.

When I've heard moms talk about how being a mom is hard, I imagined they were talking about the dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, meal planning/making, changing diapers, running errands, paying bills, and--oh yeah--taking care of the kids, too. That's not what I find hard. Most of the time, what's hard for me is being bored. I'm busy, yes, but I'm bored. Being a mom takes a lot of mental strength that I never knew I didn't have. Not strength for when there are major trials--surgery, moving, illnesses. Most moms are able to step up to the plate when those things come around, which they always inevitably do. I mean strength for the down time. For the HOURS of the day where the little guys want entertainment. For answering "why?" for the bazillioneth time today. For when you haven't had enough adult conversation. For when you are asked to read that one book...AGAIN. To be able to listen to that CD of primary songs on repeat. For having to share a bite of anything you try to eat, no matter how sneaky you try to be. For not being able to read a book, go to the bathroom, play the piano, or do anything without a little sidekick or curious eyes staring at you.

Being a mom is hard.

When people like to ride bikes they might ride every day, or even go on a 100 mile ride. But then they get off their bike and do something else. No matter how much they love cycling, at some point they stop riding. I think I could use some practical, actually possible ways to get off my mom bike. I love being a mom. I chose it. I'll choose it again. But it's nice and necessary to stop sometimes. I need to refill my mental strength.

Some of my thoughts for moms:

If your 2-year old doesn't eat his dinner...or his breakfast the next day...or the yogurt you gave him for snack after that... it's okay.
You can take a break without having to "deserve" it.
It's okay if you want to be helicopter parent your child sometimes.
There is no justification needed if you want to take a nap.
It's okay for your home to be messy sometimes--even if it's simply messy because you don't want to clean it, and not just because you're too busy to clean it.
There's no need to "Excuse my ______" in every picture you post of your life.
Who says you "should"?
You don't "just" anything.
You're doing a good job.

Ups and Downs

How I expected Evan's cast removal to go: Casts come off. Start standing day 1. Start walking with walker day 3-4. Start walking independently after a week. Post inspiring pictures and videos of Evan's progress.

How it actually went: Casts came off. (Why did nobody warn us this would actually be scary, traumatic and not that much fun?) Walking boots came on. We went home and tried to excite him about standing by counting how long he could go without holding on. Day 1 was about 30 seconds. He even cruised along the couch. I felt good about that. Things were going as planned.

After that, nothing happened. For about a week he regularly complained about foot pain and had to be forced to walk at all. I tried to be patient, but I expected progress every day, and some days didn't seem any better. 10 days after casts came off, Evan finally said his feet didn't hurt. He stood up after breakfast and said, "You're gonna like this," and then he up and started walking independently for the first time since surgery. I filmed him going across the entire kitchen, and cut the video right before he fell.

Since then he is back to complaining of pain and he hasn't wanted to walk anymore. He limps when he uses his walker, so I think there really is some pain, but he's also scared. "What if I fall?" I had to show him videos of when he first learned to walk. He would fall and stand right back up to try again. "That's what you'll do! You'll get right back up and keep trying!" He's not convinced. This conversation says a lot about our last 2 weeks:

Evan: What chores am I going to do?
Me: You're gonna practice walking.
Evan: No, but like when you pick 3 chores for me to do.
Me: I don't care about chores. I care about your walking.
Evan: I don't care about walking.

He's very content in his wheelchair and he's very uncomfortable walking. Probably the best thing our friends and family can do is to not ask when he's going to walk. I don't know. I just hope that one day he will. This was tonight and is pretty typical of his current ability.

Meanwhile... my new hobby is taking pictures of my sleeping baby.

He comes into my bed nearly every night and I don't usually notice until the morning. I don't entirely mind because he's so tiny and he's so cute when he's sleeping.

Isaiah and I have gone on a few one-on-ones with the children recently. First, Isaiah took Seth to Home Depot and out for a milkshake while Evan and I rode bikes to Big Horn and watched cars drive by. Then Isaiah took Evan golfing with Uncle Josh and I took Seth bowling.

Seth can now ride his bike independently!